Confessions of a Death Eater
by RowlingTribute91
Summary: Ever wonder how Bellatrix Lestrange came to be such a wicked witch? The thoughts that went on in her head? And most importantly, does she regret anything? She left behind a letter that tells all...
1. Chapter 1

**Confessions of a Death Eater**

To Whom It May Concern:

If you're reading this, that means I'm now deceased. My name was Bellatrix Lestrange. I hardly think you need clarification of who I am, though, since my list of crimes is so long. I lived and breathed to torture and kill others in the Dark Lord's name. But that's just one side of me. Was I _always_ evil? It's story time, boys and girls!

Like every other young witch or wizard, I had to be homeschooled until I was eleven years old. Mum and Dad would always tell me that pure magical blood runs in our family. Not just any family, but the noble house of Black. To make them proud, I needed to marry a pure-blood wizard. The same went for my younger sisters, Andromeda and Narcissa.

When I was little, I asked Dad why this had to be so, and he simply said, "Because no Muggle man can handle a witch. Only a select handful of us in the world were gifted with magic. The rest of the world is useless. Look at the Muggle-borns. I'm positive that they steal their powers from someone else."

I stared at him in childish disbelief. Not knowing any better, I replied, "I've been around Muggles and Muggle-borns before, and they don't seem bad at all. How can you say that, Dad?"

"Bellatrix Electra Black, don't you dare try to challenge what I say!" he yelled. "So help me, if you keep taking this path, we'll never speak to you again. Am I clear?"

It was the angriest I'd ever seen him. I don't know about you, but whenever my father raised his voice, I listened. From that time on, I convinced myself that what he said was true. Fathers are never wrong, right?

Continuing the Black tradition, I wound up in Slytherin house during my days at Hogwarts. Lucius Malfoy became one of my few friends. He had long blond hair and a pale face that dared to say, _I'm better than you and I know it. _Of course, he reserved that look for the students outside of Slytherin. You had to be at least a half-blood to be sorted into our house, just like you would today.

After our first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson, we walked out of the classroom together.

I asked him, "What did you think of Professor Deryn?"

"I think she taught us a load of rubbish," Lucius drawled. "As if _we _have to learn to _protect_ ourselves from dark magic. My parents promised to actually _teach _me some dark magic, and it sounds _far_ more exciting."

"My parents know a little bit of dark magic, too," I admitted tentatively. "I guess it would be fun just to ask them about it." I stood in thought for a moment, and a light-bulb went off in my head. What kind of forbidden things could I learn? _Oooh… not to mention the power…unlimited. _It suddenly became so tempting.

Crowds were gathering in our hallway, and a Hufflepuff boy brushed past Lucius, knocking books out of his hands. Lucius hurried to pick them up off the floor. His cheeks were bright red.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Malfoy!" the boy exclaimed. I recognized him from Charms class: Alan Carter. A Muggle-born.

Lucius answered venomously. "You watch where you're going, Mudblood,"

My eyes widened. _He didn't just say that word._ I wanted to say something, because I still couldn't understand what made Muggle-borns unworthy. But to make Lucius happy, I warned Carter in a villainous tone. "You should consider yourself lucky that we're not allowed to use magic in the halls, or he'd challenge you to a duel." Besides, we were too young to know many spells. I tried my best menacing look, and Carter ran away.


	2. Chapter 2

By the age of twelve, I hadn't gone out into the Muggle world very often, but that's where I found myself one day in the middle of summer vacation. Even for a witch, London is such a beautiful city to be in. Big Ben, the Parliament, Westminster Abbey; all of those landmarks fascinated me. Our parents, however, didn't feel that way. They took me and my sisters there to see what trouble the Muggles got themselves into.

My mother pointed at a cherry red telephone booth on the street. I thought it looked hilarious, but she seemed completely appalled by it. "Apparently, this is one way for them to communicate," she said with the voice of a bored newscaster. "They just speak into this device, and you can hear another's voice through it. Not exactly my cup of tea." We walked farther on to the Underground, where lines of cars transported the Muggles from place to place. The cars moved so fast, I could barely see them. In the right light, though, it reminded me of the Hogwarts Express, only without the beautiful scenery.

"Since they can't Apparate or fly or use the Floo network," my father explained, "they have to come up with contraptions like this to help them get around."

"How interesting," I said curiously. He gave me a nasty glare. Once again, I'd said the wrong thing. "I just mean… how much _harder _it must be for the Muggles."

Narcissa came to my side, concerned. "Bella, do you actually feel _sorry_ for them?"

I swallowed hard. "No, of course I don't mean that, Cissy. After all," I added for effect, "they deserved all their hardships."

"Too right they did!" my father agreed. All the while, Andromeda kept quiet.

Sometime during our London outing, I was given permission to wander about on my own. Outside one of the shops, a Muggle woman was on the ground, trying to pick up pieces of a broken plate. What I did next was perhaps the kindest act of my entire life. I came over to her and asked, "Can I help?"

"Oh, thank you, dearie!" she chimed. I pulled out my wand and whispered, "_Reparo_."

The woman looked at me strangely as the plate came back together. "How did you do that?"

I shrugged like it was no big deal. "I've known how to do that for a while now." _There _was my mistake, because the Ministry forbids us from performing magic around Muggles, much less telling them that you're a witch. And when you're twelve years old, you hardly think it matters. How naïve of me.

"Well," the woman cried with an upturned nose, "In the future, you need to keep that _freakish _behavior to yourself." She left me standing there, paralyzed by her words.

I waited until we arrived back home and I was safe in my room. Then, I let tears fall softly onto my pillow, trying not to sob too loudly. After brooding for a while, I straightened up. From that moment on, it was personal. Nobody had ever spoken to me like that before, and it cut me deeply. I had been so _proud _of being a witch. Nothing about it was out of the ordinary for me. I was trying to be nice, the only way I knew how, and here this Muggle woman was, calling me a freak! No _wonder _Mum and Dad had tried to warn me. If you want to know why I hate Muggles and Muggle-borns, look no further than that terrible lady. I promised myself that I was never going to be as terrible as her.


	3. Chapter 3

A year later, Mum and Dad were beginning to show me the world of the Dark Arts. You shouldn't be surprised to find out that I began with the Unforgivable Curses. They led me into a small forest for some privacy.

"The first animal you see out here," my dad said, "will be the object of your lesson today."

I was astonished. "You want me to perform these spells on an innocent animal?" The idea seemed pretty barbaric.

"Well, don't act so stunned." Dad looked as though he was meeting me for the first time.

Mum interjected: "What did you _think_ you'd be practicing on? A _cabinet_?" She laughed.

I didn't answer. In truth, I hadn't prepared myself for this. Moments later, a tawny cat came into view, the leaves crackling underneath his paws.

Dad put a hand on my shoulder. "Ok, Bella. It's time. Use the Body-Bind Curse to make him stay." I took a deep breath. At least they weren't asking me to kill the cat… yet.

Calmly, I said: "_Petrificus Totalus_!"

The cat froze where he stood and fell over.

"Next, we'll attempt the Imperius Curse," Mum instructed. "You know the spell already, and you know that it will cause the cat to come under your full control. The trick is to put all your focus on what you want it to do. Use your imagination."

I decided to make the cat jump. Once again, I pointed my wand at him. "_Imperio._" He actually did as I commanded. I saw how frightened the cat looked, but for some reason, I_ enjoyed_ watching him being thrown into the air. Maybe I was more like my parents than I previously thought.

"That was incredible for your first try!" my father cheered. "Now, do you remember which Unforgivable Curse comes after that?"

I thought through what they had taught me so far. "The Cruciatus Curse. Doesn't it cause your victim pain?"

He nodded, starting to tense up. "And when you perform the curse… you really have to mean it."

"But the cat hasn't done anything to me," I argued. "How can I hurt it?"

"Have you _never_ been so angry or upset with someone that you wanted to cause them pain?" Mum asked in amazement. "Has _nobody_ ever done wrong to you?"

I answered yes meekly, looking down at the forest ground. I hadn't been the same since my encounter with the Muggle woman, when I found out that Muggles really were as bad as Mum and Dad said they were. It was time for some payback.

Mum brought me back to the present. "Of _course_ there is someone! You just have to pretend that this cat is that person."

With my anger boiling, I didn't hesitate a second longer, shouting, "_Crucio!_" He wriggled in agony. Before I knew was I was doing, I repeated the spell. How I _loved_ to see that cat squirm. A sly grin spread upon my face. I was already thriving on the curse that would become my signature.

"You sure are learning fast," Dad said proudly. "I don't believe I need to tell you the final Unforgivable Curse."

"No, sir," I replied. There was an edge to my voice now, sharp as a razor. My wand arm shot up, and I cried, for the first time, "_Avada Kedavra_!" It struck the cat's heart, killing him instantly.

As of that moment, the old Bellatrix was gone. Soon, I'd think nothing of doing this every single day.


	4. Chapter 4

Where does a witch go after becoming so evil so young? Just where you think she'd go: to the Dark Lord! I met him when I was eighteen years of age, having just finished my magical education. Lucius Malfoy introduced me to him. He wasn't at the height of his power yet, but I could tell that he had a brilliant mind. After all, he was able to frame Rubeus Hagrid (and have him expelled) for unleashing his basilisk that dwelled in the Chamber of Secrets, back when he was still a student. Absolutely incredible and ingenious, the way he pushed the suspicion away from himself. He was more than a worthy wizard to admire.

I remember the first human I killed. Helena Radcliffe was her name. Even the wicked Bellatrix Lestrange never forgets such a thing. Following the Dark Lord everywhere, I fell into his favor from the very start. We came upon this woman in Diagon Alley, striking up a conversation. We were the only ones on the street.

The Dark Lord bowed to Helena. In his icy voice, he said, "Good evening, madam. I'm curious; do you have a son or daughter attending Hogwarts?"

"Why, yes I do." Mrs. Radcliffe flashed a proud smile. "My daughter Emma's doing quite well, particularly in Charms. She'll be a wonderful asset to the Ministry one day, I'm sure."

"I _do _hope the Muggle-borns are doing well with their lessons, don't you?" Those words might sound foreign, coming from the Dark Lord's mouth, but it was a test.

"Certainly," she answered. "They've got so much catching up to do, since they didn't know of their magic until age eleven. I think they can still become just as good as any half-blood or pure-blood, though."

I tutted and shook my head. She had so much to learn. "Wrong answer. _Stupefy_!"

Just as we'd planned, she fell unconscious. Then, we Apparated to our hiding place, taking her with us. I threw her onto the floor of the living room and peered up at the Dark Lord.

"I'll leave her in your capable hands, Black," he ordered. "Do with her what you want." He strolled off to another room.

It didn't take long for me to decide. The Cruciatus Curse popped into my head on the spot. Wordlessly, I cast the curse upon Helena.

"Time to wakey, wakey, my dear lady!" Her eyes opened with a scream as she experienced the worst pain imaginable. I shot the curse at her again before she could speak.

"PLEASE stop!" she begged.

"And why would I do that, when you've been a bad girl?" I teased, crowing with glee and continuing her torture. "Three times a charm!" Clearly, I was having too much fun there, watching her writhe in pain just like the cat had done. I barely even blinked when I actually killed her. As far as I was concerned, the world was now less one wrong-minded soul. It brings chills up my spine to realize that I did this as a teenager.


	5. Chapter 5

Let's go back to what I was saying about the rules of marriage in our family. As you know, my sister Narcissa ended up marrying Lucius Malfoy, and they had a son, Draco (more on Draco later). I married Rodolphus Lestrange, whom I'd known back at Hogwarts. He took a real liking to me, but I didn't like him nearly as much. Obviously, this marriage wasn't for love. He knew that even before he proposed. Again, this was about keeping pure blood in the family. It was about keeping my parents happy. Ironically, we never had children. My heart had already been given to the Dark Lord, and no amount of love from Rodolphus could change that. I _did_ appreciate the fact that Rodolphus was just as loyal to him as I was, however.

Andromeda, my other sister, is another story. She met and fell in love with Ted Tonks. We didn't know it yet, but he was a Muggle-born. They'd been keeping the secret from us for a couple years, until she sent an owl, requesting that we come visit her.

Once Mum, Dad, Narcissa, and I were together in the kitchen, she gave us the big news. "You remember my dear boyfriend Ted, right?" We all nodded. "Well… He proposed to me the other day!" Excitement was written all over her face.

Mum rushed up to hug her. "That's wonderful, Dromeda! When do you think the wedding will be?"

"We haven't really decided that yet, but it'll probably be next autumn," Andromeda told us, calming down from her giddiness. "Bella, Cissy, I hope you'll be my bridesmaids." The girl inside me was ecstatic. Dressing up and helping her with the preparations would be loads of fun. I mean, I can't be evil _all _the time!

Dad hadn't spoken a word to Andromeda so far. He gave her a serious look and said, "I don't think I've seen the name "Tonks" in any of the Wizarding family records, from what I recall. It wasn't quite so important before, but now that you're engaged to him… Can you explain that?"

She stared at the floor cautiously and took a deep breath. "His parents are Muggles."

I raised my eyebrows. Narcissa gasped. Mum and Dad glared at her disapprovingly. I hadn't been expecting this, this… engagement to _filth_.

"We've told you countless times how terrible Muggles are!" Dad exclaimed."Now you want to marry the _son _of Muggles? Didn't we _clearly _say what would happen if something like this occurred?"

My sister tried to defend herself. "Yes, but-"

"But what!?" he roared.

Andromeda started quivering. "But… I_ love _Ted. It doesn't matter to me who his parents are. He's a wizard, just as much as you are."

"You couldn't be more wrong," Mum murmured in a snobby voice. "He acquired his power by sheer _chance_ He doesn't have any magical blood running through his veins. That means your children wouldn't be pure-bloods. "

"Again, WHY does it matter?" Andromeda argued, regaining her firmness. "He's gifted with magic, and I'm marrying him, no matter what you say. I just _knew _that you'd react this way, which is why I didn't speak up before. At least now, you know where my heart is. When we _do_ have children, I'll allow them to marry whomever they want. They could marry a _werewolf_, for all I care! It would make no difference to me."

"Then you leave us no choice," Mum proclaimed. Satisfied with the direction of our talk, I thought, _here it comes… the big splat!_

"We weren't kidding when we said that we'd cut off contact from you if you so much as made friends with a Muggle or a Muggle-born," Dad said sternly. "Andromeda Mira Black, this is the last time you'll ever see us. Don't bother sending any owls, either. We won't read them." He couldn't even look her in the eye anymore.

"You wouldn't really do that to your own daughter, would you?" she pleaded unsuccessfully. Her eyes began to water. "Mum? Tell me it's a joke."

Our mother just shook her head slowly. Andromeda became totally helpless.

"Cissy?"

Narcissa walked up to Andromeda to reply. She said, matter-of-factly, "I can't imagine why you're putting yourself through this, Dromeda. Why can't you just find a pure-blood to marry?"

"Because," our sister insisted, "Ted is more than good enough for me."

I scoffed at this. _She must be mad to love this man so much_, I decided. Mercilessly, I told her, "He's got nothing but dirty blood in him. If you were a _sensible_ witch, you'd see that."

She turned to me in agitation. "You're going to shut me out, too, Bella? You haven't even _met_ him. I thought maybe _you_, out of the family, would understand." I couldn't believe that she remembered the time when I didn't hate the Muggles. That was a lifetime ago.

"I know better now," I retorted coldly, "and I'd love it if you thought like we do. Since you don't… We have to say goodbye."

"Please… no…" Andromeda was sobbing. "I can't lose my whole family in one day!"

We said no more and left at once. It really was the last time I ever saw Andromeda. There was no need for the Cruciatus Curse here. We'd hurt her badly enough with our words.


	6. Chapter 6

With the Andromeda situation taken care of, I went back to doing what I do best. Don't think I need to remind you of what that is…

By the time Harry Potter was born, I was the Death Eater that the others looked up to. Anytime the Dark Lord wanted to teach something, he left the teaching, and enforcing, to me. You probably remember hearing that my husband, his brother Rabastan, Barty Crouch Jr. and I had a little "fun" with Alice and Frank Longbottom. Combining all our powers, we used the Cruciatus Curse on them until they were barking mad. They couldn't remember anything about their past, including their son, Neville. I think we would've just killed them all, if the Ministry hadn't caught up with us first.

If you've followed my actions over the last two decades, you know that this is when I was put on trial and sent to Azkaban. I don't have much to say about my time there, since I was alone in my cell, save for the Dementors. There was nobody to talk to. For thirteen years, all I did was eat, sleep, and patiently wait for the Dark Lord to rise again and rescue me. Really boring, if you ask anyone who's spent time in the prison. How could I've known that it would take so long? The only bad memory Dementors could bring out of me was the incident with the Muggle woman when I was twelve. Every time they came up to me, I could hear her terrible voice again: "_In the future, you need to keep that __freakish_ _behavior to yourself!_"

"I'm _not_ a freak!" I'd shout manically at the hooded demons. "Will you just let me be?" For the most part, they did just that.

The day I escaped feels like it was only yesterday. Well, it wasn't just me, you know. Nine other Death Eaters were also freed. Who did we have to thank for that? The very things that were supposed to be guarding us: the Dementors. Somehow, the Dark Lord managed to get on their good side (Don't ask me what their good side is, because I haven't seen it). Out of nowhere, my cell door flew open. I jumped to my feet anxiously and strolled to the door. A little hesitation came over me. _This looks easy_, I thought. _Too_ _easy. _I waited a few more minutes, but no one arrived to close my cell. The Dementors weren't forcing me back inside. _That's what the Ministry gets for not using human guards!_ Taking in the fresh air, I stepped out to feel a powerful wind. The Dark Mark glowed against the night sky, and I cackled with happiness. This could only mean one thing: the Dark Lord had returned, and he was calling us home. _SWEET FREEDOM! _


	7. Chapter 7

I got back into my evil streak quicker than I thought possible, since I hadn't able to use magic for more than a decade. Now that I (along with the others who escaped) was wanted by the Ministry, we had to be careful about every detail of our movements. After months went by, though, we got a little antsy! The Dark Lord was intent on getting rid of Harry Potter once and for all. It embarrassed him that he couldn't kill the boy back in the graveyard (I wasn't there, of course, but I bet it was quite a party). Potter escaped before he suffered any real damage. To make sure this didn't happen again, the Dark Lord came up with an ingenious idea. He talked with me and all the other Death Eaters of this scheme one afternoon.

"My faithful friends, it's time that we come out of hiding again," he declared. "Tonight, we shall lure Harry Potter into the Ministry of Magic. I've told you about a prophecy that was written, involving him and me. From what Nagini has shown me, it's located in the Department of Mysteries. I need to know what the prophecy says, but I cannot touch it myself. Potter has to be the one to do it."

On the other side of our meeting table, Lucius Malfoy asked, "How do you plan to get him there? And how are we supposed to break in? Isn't that the most secretive part of the Ministry?"

"Ah, I see you doubt me, Lucius," the Dark Lord challenged.

Lucius shook his head nervously. "Not at all, my Lord. I just wondered aloud-"

"-if I'd thought of a plan?" The Dark Lord gave him a cold but calm smile. "Lord Voldemort _always _has a plan. Using Legilimency, we'll attack the weakest part of Potter: his ability to love! We'll make him believe that his dear godfather, Sirius Black, is in grave danger…"

This plan was sounding better and better every second. Perhaps Sirius Black would actually come to the Ministry if he knew Potter was being trapped. The fool!

Of course, the Dark Lord and I both proved to be correct. Harry Potter did arrive at the Department of Mysteries, where we greeted him and his friends quite unexpectedly. Then the battle began. Eventually, the Order of the Phoenix came upon the scene and joined the fight. Sirius Black was among them. That naughty boy should've stayed at home, because he was still presumed guilty of a mass murder! Anyways, you might have heard that I'm the one responsible for his death. It was as easy as breathing, shooting the Killing Curse at him.

Here's something that nobody knows about the aftermath of the battle…

As I prepared to go to sleep, it hit me: _I just killed my cousin. A member of the Black family. My own flesh and blood!_ Suddenly, I was busy thinking of Sirius, Andromeda, the Longbottoms, and Helena Radcliffe, even the cat I killed when I was thirteen. Out of nowhere, I found myself crying, silently, for the heart I used to have, for the tyrant I had become. It would seem that Bellatrix Lestrange has a conscience after all.


	8. Chapter 8

I've been thinking constantly about Draco. Dear, dear Draco. My nephew is every bit like his father: blond, pale-faced, wanting nothing more than to see the end of Muggle-born witches and wizards. As a member of the Death Eaters, he's been doing some nasty things. Lately, though, I can see a change in him. For example, this past July, I saw how much he cringed when the Dark Lord killed Charity Burbage right in front of us at our meeting table, after which the snake ate her... Draco had never done or seen anything so horrible in his seventeen years of life.

The other day at Malfoy Manor, he asked, "Aunt Bella? Can I speak to you in private?" There was a real tone of concern in his words.

I was willing to help the boy, since he was the future of our family, and I knew it was my job to lead him in the right direction.

"Anything you want, Draco." He led me into his bedroom and set out two chairs for us to sit on.

"You have to swear that you won't tell a soul what I'm about to say," he said cautiously. I took his hand and nodded. It would be unhealthy for him to keep something from me.

Draco sighed like he was about to drop a big bomb on me. "Do you ever wish that you didn't become a Death Eater? That you could just be free to decide things for yourself instead of having someone else decide it for you? 'Cause I've been feeling that way for a while. I really don't know what to do about it."

I stopped to ponder what he said. _This, coming from the son of Lucius Malfoy? It couldn't possibly be! _When I saw the pleading stare in Draco's eyes, I knew he wasn't kidding. Here before me was a very scared and conflicted young man. What on _earth _was I going to tell him?

Eventually, I said in a harsh tone, "Draco, you should put that out of your head. If your Mum and Dad got wind of this, they would probably disown you faster than you can say 'Slytherin'! Do you want to give them a heart attack by questioning their ways?"

"No!" Draco implored. "But… surely _you've _given it some thought yourself? Doesn't everybody?"

"No, not everybody does that, and _I've _definitely done no such thing!" I protested adamantly. "Just be a good nephew and don't mention this to me again." My reply faintly echoed what my father told me when I was young. It kind of bothered me, to tell you the truth.

Resolved to listen to reason, Draco told me, "Thanks for listening, anyway. I like talking to you more than talking to Mum. You seem better at keeping secrets."

That comment surprised me. "I do? You're too kind. Although, I don't know if that's something to be proud of…"

He dismissed me from his room, and I went about the day like nothing happened.


	9. Chapter 9

Draco, you need to know this tiiiiny detail about that conversation: I lied. I've thought about my choices more than I'd care to admit. Before you talked with me, I never used to think I _had_ a choice. Mum and Dad made sure of that, not to mention that mean Muggle woman who called me "freakish". Now, I see that I _always_ had a choice. What would I have been like if I took Andromeda's path, away from dark magic and the prejudice we have against Muggles? I'd be _unbelievably _different, for certain.

You're probably wondering, _does this mean you would take everything back if you could_? Well, I suppose that's _exactly _what I'm saying. But it's going to get worse, because the Dark Lord won't let up on his orders. My niece, Nymphadora Tonks, has fought me before. Next time we duel, I have to end her life. Why? Not only is she in the Order of the Phoenix, but she married a werewolf. Werewolves are much filthier than Muggles and Mudbloods, I assure you. And they're expecting a child which is due later this month!

I don't know who's going to read this, but it's worth writing all of it down on paper. Andromeda, I hope somehow you can forgive me for everything. You were shunned by your family, your husband was killed recently, and soon, I'll take your daughter away from you. Will you try to remember me as the kind girl I once was? And while I'm at it, Neville Longbottom, will you accept my deepest apologies? I wish I could undo the damage I did to your parents. It must be terrible to have parents who don't know who you are. You don't need to forgive me._ I _wouldn't forgive me.

Listen to me, Draco. I ran away from doing the right thing because I was scared out of it. That's precisely what Lucius and Narcissa are doing to you. It's far too late for me to go back, but it's not too late for you. You'll never understand how much remorse I've got locked up inside of me. This deadweight will burden me until my dying day, and it's nothing short of torture. Save yourself from this feeling. Dare to be like your aunt Andromeda. _See why I couldn't let anybody find this until I was gone?_ Now you all know the truth. At least this made me feel somewhat less guilty.

Most insincerely,

Bellatrix Lestrange


End file.
